•Wednesday, August 12, 2009 • Leave a Comment

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I originally posted this as a release in a moment of pure frustration and thus it is not pretty. I was going to edit it but instead decided to post the calm explanation here and leave this as is, with one note. This experience is only one of three I’ve had since my dad was diagnosed last August where I felt truly overwhelmed, the first was when he was diagnosed, the second when it became clear radiation induced optic neuropathy was going to take his sight.

I’m the primary caregiver for my elderly blind father who is dying of lung cancer- I’ll post more that all you need to know for now. I’ll proof read this post later for now it needs to be shared raw.

I hate cancer I hate what it has done to my dad I hate what it done to my life, I hate what happened this night. Last night I had a sexual revelation –I’ll write about it eventually but for now I had to post this as is rare unedited- I wanted to confirming this sexual revelation and I did short almost right as I was reaching my orgasm I could hear it my dads radio one of the few pleasures he has left and life and all I could think about was my care giving duties. All I could think about was cancer and hospital beds and adult incontinence product and steroids and then I could hear my mother television on top of that and then I started to think of all the reasons I hate living at home independent of all the shit with my dad.

Then he called me –he needed me again as I walked out I could hear my brother in the living room (fucking loser) more emotions I was overwhelmed. I tried to do what I had to do as quick as I could –mother comes in to the hall asking questions leave me alone!. I did what I need and went back to my room put on my headphone drowning out the nose I want to cry I want to hit something I want this to be over. The night before had been a revelation a true defining point in my sexual exploration and now in trying to confirm it the memory it is sullied cancer was no longer just a disease my father it was a force in my life violating my most precious moments. One of the most powerful moments of my life and now cancer has intruded upon it violating my sexual pricey, ruining the moment in a most cruel way.

Cancer was no longer something that distracted me from my sexuality; it no longer merely stopped me from retreating in to the inner sanctum of my sexuality; it no longer drew me out of the sanctum to answer phone calls; it wasn’t content in stopping me from sharing this sanctum with another. In this moment it had penetrated the inner sanctum, it had desecrated it, it had violated it.


Pleasurists #41

•Tuesday, August 11, 2009 • Leave a Comment

via Breathtakers

Pleasurists is a round-up of the adult product and sex toy reviews that came out in the last seven days from bloggers all around the sex blogosphere. Did you miss Pleasurists #40? Read it all here. Do you have a review for Pleasurists #41? Submit it here before Sunday August 16th at 11:59pm PDT. Please re-post this list on your own blog if listed.

Want to win some free swag? All you’ve got to do is enter.

Madame Editrix
Scarlet Lotus St. Syr

On to the reviews…



Anal Toys

Toys for Cocks

Lube, Massage Oil, Bath Stuff, & etc.


Adult Movies/Porn



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More Sex Toys on the Way

•Sunday, August 9, 2009 • Leave a Comment

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I haven’t finished reviewing my first pair of sex toys (I reviewed my Silk medium and but I’m still working on the review of my Silicone flexi-power rod) and tomorrow I will already be receiving my second pair. I decided to write down what was going on in my mind when I selected these two. Although, I was planning to buy more toys my original plan didn’t included these toys but in both cases an opportunity presented itself that I had to take.

Sexy spades small

I was planning to get a butt plug when I went looking for the next addition to my toy collection but I did not expect to be purchasing a glass plug or really a glass toy of any kind. It not that I didn’t envision eventually getting a glass toy. I want to try a variety of material shapes and sizes on myself, but there was I reason I was holding off on the glass toys. To be honest and I know this will sound sappy/silly/stupid/whatever but these toys can be so beautiful, they are like little perverted pieces of pop art, that I wanted to wait till I had a partner that could apprentice their beauty and function before buying one. But since when has saving it ever worked?

Why did the spade change things? I’ve played several hands of poker in my life so the spade design caught my attention and considering how pretty the thing is I thought even if I don’t end up liking it as a toy, it would still serve as a nice memento of my sexual exploration. As I kept thinking, I thought I’ve played enough poker and have enough of a twisted sense of humor that I could probably get away with using it as a paper weight and saying “since it look a spade I decided to buy it as a laugh” without anyone suspecting it been in my butt. That when I decided to buy this thing. I wonder. Could I play innocent well enough to convince people that I bought it just as a spade like paperweight not knowing its true propose?

Alumina Flow

Since I want to experiment with a variety of materials, a mental toy was definitely on the wish list and a member of the Alumina line high amongst potential candidates. However, since they are pricey I figured it would be a luxury purchase I would have to wait I while to get. Then I saw that Edenfantasys had 25% off all toys in the line until August 28 2009 the bargain hunter in me was aroused and said this was too good a deal to pass up. I was torn between the Flow and the Pace; the bargain hunter again decided this. The Flow is the more expensive of the two thus is the 25% off is a bigger bargain on that one then the Pace. The sale doesn’t end until August 28, and I’ve already converted the change in my penny jar into cash, so if I like the Flow enough I’ll get the Pace as well to take advantage of the reduce price.

Anal Play-Week 1

•Saturday, August 8, 2009 • 4 Comments

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As I said in my first post in this blog, reading Alexa’s blog has made me interested in anal play. Although I didn’t get to experiment the night of that first post, I eventually found the lube I knew I had and found sticking fingers in my butthole to be pleasurable enough but I realized I would need some hardware to really explore this. Well I got my first set of anal toys from Edenfantasys last week and the results after a week of testing are good very very good.

These are the two toys I ordered:

1) Tantus Silk Medium (I’ve written a stand alone review of it here)

2) Silicone flexi-power rod (I’ll eventually write a review on this one too)

I also ordered some lube

Brief notes on why I chose these toys: 1) I do not like buying low quality stuff even if it just to try out, so I wanted a quality toy. 2) I wanted one that was easy to clean and sterilize, which is why I went with silicone. The idea of putting a condom on the toy for every use to preserve hygiene as recommended for toys made out of cheaper materials was a turn of off. 3) I went with a dildo instead of plug because I wanted something I could thrust in and out. 4) I was originally only going to buy one toy but free shipping offers are good for my sex life. 5) My better judgment told me to get the Silk Small, but the part of me that won told me to “be a man” and at least get the medium, a weird combination of defying and adhering to gender roles there.

The short version of events after a week of testing is: 1) Anal play feels incredible 2) The rest of my gender really needs to get the fuck over their ass/homophobia 3) I have become an anal play junkie and a possible sex toy junkie. If you want the day-by-day run down of things, keep reading.

Day 1

When I got the delivery I was pleased to see it was as promised in a nice a discreet package; opening it up everything seemed well packed (good indicators I would be giving Edenfantasys repeat business). I looked at the packages deciding how I was going to do this. I opened the Silk dildo first and although I bought these two in order to experiment with anal play, that was not the first thing I was curious about experimenting with. Following two themes that have been developing as I explore my sexuality: 1. Wondering how certain sexual acts must feel for the female 2. Exploring my more submissive side the first thing I wanted to do was face fuck myself a bit with it. This is also why I wanted a toy I could sterilize; I wanted to be able to use it in multiple ways.

I began sliding the dildo into my mouth gently and started giving the silicone phallus a blowjob imagining it was in harness, and that harness was attached to a woman ready to thrust away on me. After a bit, I started shoving it in my mouth with gusto for a while. I couldn’t get it all the way down to the base but I think I managed a decent effort; I managed to get vigorous enough with the thing that my eyes started to water. Doing that while imagine some dominate women on the other end doing the thrusting was a very erotic experience. I may not have gotten erect from it but it was intensely erotic nonetheless (one of the many thing I’m learning is how much more complex thing are then simple physical responses). The idea of getting it orally from a be-strapped women now added to my list of things I want to do in the future, I moved on to the rod.

I went over to the rod and just ran through the 7 vibration functions in my hand it felt surprisingly good just being in my hand. I took my clothes off and stared running it on my cock, balls, and perineum trying out each of the 7 setting all felt good but I could already tell which ones would become my favorites: #4 Pulse, Pulse, Vibration, #6 Pulsation and #7 Escalation. I decided that was enough of the vibe for the day.

I turned back to the Silk it was time to use the dildo for the purpose I had ordered it for. I put on a good bit of the lube on both my asshole and on the dildo and started to very slowly ease it into my butt. I had to reapply some lube but I eventually got it in and it felt really good going in. I decided to just leave it in place and masturbate normally. The feeling of having something up there was different and enjoyable. I pulled it out and the feeling of retracting it was incredible, that is when I knew getting something I could thrust was a good idea. Wanting to take it slow, I left it at that for the day.

Day 2

This day was all about the rod, I lubed up and ran it up and down my asshole, shifting through the different vibrations it was feeling good even before putting it in. Eventually I put it in while it was on one of the vibration settings, it went in easier than the Silk did despite being thicker at the tip then the dildo. The recommendations I read online did say that vibration can help losing up the asshole and this seems to confirm their recommendation. After I slid it in I cycled to through the different functions again the same settings from yesterday were my favorites but all were very pleasurable. I certainly could not orgasm from these vibration alone, but not only didn’t I care, I liked the fact that I had such a sensual experience I could use for the masturbatory equivalent of foreplay. Continuing I wanted to see how deep I could get this thing inside me. I added lube and very slowly slid it in. After a while, I pretty much got the whole length of the thing inside of me the online description says it has an insertable length of 8 inches. Second day and I was already shoving 8 inches of silicone inside myself, it was around this time that I started thinking “inside of me?” this was a whole new way of conceptualizing sexual pleasure. I pulled it out noting there was some fecal matter on the tip; I would have to review Alexa’s Enema post in the near future. As I was cleaning, the toy off I got an idea.

I like porn, I like jerking off after I watch porn; but I never liked masturbating during porn much. It feels premature ejaculation-ish to come before the action on screen is done; yet just laying there doing nothing for the duration isn’t the funniest thing either. This seems like the perfect solution a way of stimulating myself throughout while still allowing me to save my climax for when I’m good and ready. I put on some porn, lubed the toy and tested the theory. It was working perfectly, it was a feast of sensations to be watching and hearing the action on screen while cycling through the vibration functions while the rod was in my ass. Then a phone call interrupt it *sigh*.

Day 3

Played a bit with the vibe; really didn’t have much energy today. I did spend a good amount of time looking at different toys online however. Two days of play and I was already planning my next purchase (sex toy junkie in the making, here).

Day 4

Now here is when things start to get really interesting, I took out the Silk and put myself in a face down ass-up position with me reaching back with my right hand to thrust the thing in and out of me. The feelings where incredibly intense eventually I kept going until a felt a sudden spike of intense pleasure that made me just collapsed on to the bed. Pulling the dildo from my ass, I just looked at it for while thinking to myself “WOW” and wondering what just happened. That blip was intense and the only thing stopping me from calling it an orgasm is the duration while very intense it was also quite fleeting, “mini-orgasm” perhaps. I put the toy away for the night knowing I would most definitely be back tomorrow.

Day 5

Before I recount day 5, let me just say this to all my fellow XYs that are too ass/homophobic to try anal play GET THE FUCK OVER IT! You will thank me later. Now on to day 5, I decided I didn’t want to thrust the Silk by hand tonight I decided I wanted to ride the thing. Took me a while to find a comfortable position but once I got a good rhythm going, dear God did it feel good. I was still struck by the newness of the experience and how different it was from normal masturbation. The in and out of that thing in my ass was amazing, simply amazing. I was getting hot, sweaty, and flustered as I kept riding that thing; I don’t think masturbation has ever been such a work out before. As the sensations built I kept wondering if I could orgasm (or even have a repeat of last night’s mini-orgasm) from anal stimulation alone. The feelings were so intense it certainly seemed possible. I never reached one however eventually collapsing on to the bed after a few more minutes of riding. Despite not having achieved orgasm, I surprisingly felt completely satisfied with the night’s activities I could have jerked-off but I honestly felt happy with just that intense ride and went to sleep.

Day 6

I was honestly very tried but still wanted to do something involving anal play so I decided to do the watching porn with the vib inside me thing that was interrupted on Day 2. After finding some porn that appealed to me (cream-pie gangbang on a woman in a wedding dress, if you haven’t gathered I like giving the finger to conservative sexual values hehe) I started watching. About half way through I took out the rod put it in my ass and let the vibration stimulate me as I watched the rest of the scene. It worked perfectly enhancing my porn viewing without driving me to orgasm. When the scene was done, I started jerking off with the vibe still in my ass. When I came I could really feel my ass muscles contract around the thing, it was a great sensation.

Day 7

God I was horny today I had jerked off twice this day before I even started thinking about anal play. When night came, it was time to finish my first week of anal play by riding the heck out of that silk dildo. I modified the positioning on my bed from day 5 so I could get good penetration without tiring myself out as fast. Riding that thing (still feels a little odd thinking about pleasure this way but I’m getting over it fast) again felt absolutely amazing and it was even more intense this night. I was moaning and groaning, loader than I ever have during masturbation. I started biting down on my sheets because I was afraid someone might hear (nothing I could do about the twang of the bed-spring without depraving myself ,unfortunately, that was a risk I would need to take). After, a bit more I hand another one of those intense but all to short “minigasms” I mentioned in day 5, it again made me stop for a bit, but only for a bit. I quickly got back on that thing I again rode it till I experienced another “mini”. I was again so satisfied I didn’t bother to jerk-off, it was however frustrating since these spikes were still disappointingly short in duration. From what I’ve read anal orgasms being different than normal orgasms (i.e. ejaculation free) isn’t something unusual, however if I could find a way to extend that pleasure a bit I have no problem calling whatever it is I experienced a full fledged orgasm. With “Kegel exercises” added to the list of things I really needed to Google that concluded my first of week of exploring the pleasure potential of my own ass. It is not the end of things however I already have two more toys making their ways towards me (and my ass) and it goes without saying that I hope my next playmate doesn’t mind strapping on a harness. 😉

And just because I can’t say it enough if you’re a guy considering anal play: Get over what society has told you, get a lot of lube and get with the anal!

Review: Tantus Silk (Medium)

•Friday, August 7, 2009 • 12 Comments

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Tantus Silk Medium

This dildo is the first toy I picked up in order to explore anal play and I would highly recommend it to anyone considering it. Writing this a heterosexual male, I can say this toy is perfect for introducing a hesitant guy to the pleasures of anal. The toy is simplicity itself a super smooth shaft with a slight curve, leading down to a flared base all made out of 100% pure silicone. This review is based on the Silk Medium (Diameter: 1.1″ Length: 5.25″)  however it is available in three sizes: small (Diameter: 1.1″ Length: 4.5″), the already mentioned medium, and large (Diameter: 1.5″ Length: 6.9″). It is recommend beginners start with the small and work their way up as they get used to anal. It is also available in three colors: lavender, pink and black (mine is black by the way). As of this writing there is a green one on closeout directly from Tantus if feeling like your fucking the Hulk doesn’t bother you.


Tantus Silk 100% Silicone Dildos

As I said this toy is perfect for a anal toy newbie. Firstly, the must have feature, it has a flared base an absolute must have for anal play as toys can get lost up there otherwise. You do not want to become your local ER staff’s next funny patient story. This also makes it harness compatible and Tantus does sell kits that include these along with a harness. I unfortunately don’t have a partner to test it out with but if you wind up liking anal as much as I do “willingness to strap up” will be quickly added to the list of qualities in your ideal partner.

Secondly, the smoothness makes it very easy to thrust in and out without difficulty (after applying sufficient lube of course). Thirdly, the material is firm while still having a decent amount of give. Another plus as you don’t want to stick anything too hard in there before you familiar with the twist and turns of your own rectum. Fourthly, it is 100% pure silicone which means it is easily sterilized either by boiling; using a 1:10 bleach solution; or running it in the dishwasher, top rack, no detergent. This makes it safer to use on yourself as it is less likely to to become a breeding ground for anything nasty and is a must have feature if you want to be able to share the toy or move from one hole to another. The moving from one hole to another is mainly an issue for women, you never go from ass to pussy without sterilizing in between, however it does mildly apply in my case as well. I’ve used the thing to give myself a face fucking (submissive fantasies) and although going ass to mouth isn’t really problem; I’m still really happy knowing I can get this thing sterilized. The only down side to the silicone is that you counter-intuitively should not use silicone lube (the two will have a chemical reaction) with it. Silicone lubes have more staying power in the rectum, the inability to use them is the only down side to using a silicone toy I can think of.

Silicone also has several other advantages in addition to hygiene concerns to start it heat up to body temperature well. Secondly, it carries vibrations extremely this may seem pointless in a non-vibrating toy but if you have an external vibration source like a massager, there you go. Lastly, and this isn’t technically an “official” feature but it still very much worth noting, get the base a little wet and place it on a clean, flat, horizontal surface and you’ll get a mild suction effect. This is terrific as it makes hand free riding much easier. My favorite way of using this toy is using this effect to get it to stick to the front of an old hardcover textbook placing the rig on my bed and riding the heck out of the thing.

Overall, there is nothing bad I can say about this toy; it is simple, effective and it perfect as a first time dildo for a male anal neophyte. Now if I could only find someone with a harness I could play with.

Free Shipping Offers are Good for My Sex Life

•Thursday, July 30, 2009 • 1 Comment

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I should be receiving a shipment of sex toys from today. As I await the package I came to a realization free shipping offers are good for my sex life. Whenever I look to buy something online, I always look at how much they charge for shipping. I hate having a surprise when I go to check out and look at the shipping line. One of the reasons I went with Edenfantasys was the clearly announced 5.95 flat shipping rate, the other is the 15% coupon code I got off of Hey Epiphora. I was planning to buy only one toy and then I saw the free shipping on orders over 59+ and I decided “might as well” and bought two toys and some lube to get the free shipping.

This is not the first case of something like this. The other case is Amazon offers free shipping on orders over $25 I’ve used them to buy the majority of the books in my erotica collection and like the above I’ve bought more books then I would have otherwise in order to get free shipping. Furthermore most of the erotica I buy (mainly stuff from nexus also qualify for their 4 for 3 offer). My erotica collection would be much smaller without these offers.

Just a little random nugget of insight; goes back to waiting for the delivery person to bring a little fun into his life.

P.S. I’ve played a good amount of poker in my life, yet I’ve never been aroused by the idea of strip poker until I saw something in Edenfantasies stock, eventual blog post coming on that.

Joss Whedon’s Dollhouse is an Abomination (part 1)

•Thursday, July 30, 2009 • Leave a Comment

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I hate dollhouse. I hate Joss Whedon for being its creator. I hate Fox for renewing it for a second season (one of the lowest rated show on a major network to be renewed ever). I temporally hated my own gender (and myself) for being complacent in the rape culture the show ultimately supports even while the head writer pats himself on the back for being a feminist. I have tried multiple times to write a full review eviscerating this piece of trash especially the season finial “Omega” but the fire in the back of my eyes stops me. I will shameful admit that I was enjoying the show until the piece of total trash that was “Omega” hit the airways. The show was deeply flawed before that episode but at its high point “Briar Rose”, I truly thought the writers got it. Then “Omega” hit and it was clear to me no they did not; not only did I hate “Omega” it made me hate all the preceding episodes; I hate that has only grown exponentially and as I will explain in part two it made me hate me. The writers of the show may want to write something meaningful but they lack the ability to do so. They may want to deconstruct the white knight complex but all they can do is regurgitate it. They may want to make meaningful commentary but all they can do is become complacent in supporting a rape culture they supposedly decry.

The way “Omega” went from deconstructing the white knight complex (Ballard in “Blare Rose” was brilliantly reduced from his self-image of a white knight to that of the horse) to giving us an example of a white knight in Omega was sicken. Ballard gets to in some way save ¾ women on the show: Adelle, Mille (Who he raped!) and Echo/Caroline. He get to be a hero even when him being one ran completely contrary to how the show has been laying the themes of the show and his character all the while making the shows women look like fools.

Ballard before “Omega” was portrayed as an ass kicking but incompetent, foolhardy FBI agent: that can’t close; has no friends or allies except maybe one; has no resource he can leverage; can’t interrogate (he captures a dollhouse client and lets him mind-screw him); twice fell for a dollhouse ambush; only got anywhere in his investigation because other characters feed him clues; rushes into criminal hideouts unprepared, and let’s not forget rapes his girlfriend. Before Omega, he got what you would expect; then came Omega. All of a sudden, he is a brilliant investigator that the dollhouse (that is run by a she) needs to be able to catch the renegade Alpha. First off, did the writers forget their own premise? You can create experts on demand what skill could the incompetent Ballard have (and even if he did have a unique skill they could just download the skill) that they couldn’t get in house?…. ….The brilliant skill of looking at files. Yes, you read that right the brilliant insight he had was to look at his file. No, not picking up something in his file no one else did. No, he had the idea to look at his file before he came along apparently this advanced criminal organization did not think to look at his file until now. This is horrible writing just from a plot perspective. However, add to that the person who is arguing that files ,devices that are used to store useful information, can’t possible contain useful information is female along with everything else in the episode it become imposable for me not to look at this in gendered terms. Adele may be an evil manipulative female rapist but she has always been portrayed as being intelligent “I played a poor hand well”. Yet she needs Ballard to tell her what files are for, ya that makes sense.

Some would say her hesitance to looking at the file is in character because of her loyalty to the dollhouse and that they all believe the technology is perfect and that is why she did not look. Bullshit! Although the series the characters fully understood that their technology isn’t perfect (“Scrubbing” “The Attic”). The episode “Needs” is the perfect example they put back the original personalities so they could work out issues steam from the originally personality shining through. Adelle fully approved of this gambit, which put the dollhouse organization at great risk. When Saunders proposed the idea she showed no skepticism she in fact seemed curious and was willing to test it yet now in Omega both her and Tropher are all like “that is impossible!”. Why the inconstancies, because without them Ballard could not be a hero.

After that, our rapist/knight gets to negotiate the release of Mille (the girlfriend he raped), which to the dollhouse organization is the loss of a valuable asset in exchange for his services (again what services, the ability to read files?). Let me get this straight having captured the Dollhouse’s sworn enemy; the female head of the dollhouse instead of killing him, mind wiping him or in some other way neutralizing the threat offers the threat a job ,inside the organization he wants to take down, and gives him a massive concession in order to convince him to take it. Again, this does not make sense no matter how you look at it but again Ballard the White Knight is being elevated and Adelle a female is being made to look like a complete idiot.

If it was Adelle alone maybe it would be tolerable but its every female character let’s move on to Echo/Caroline. The show in “Briar Rose” talked about saving yourself and yet does Echo/Caroline get to save herself? No not really, she goes a few rounds with Alpha and yet when it comes time to save Caroline’s “wedge” who get to save it– Ballard. Let back up a second. Echo at this moment in time had “composited” meaning she was the most super-powered women on Earth and the most super-powered women to ever exist in the dollhouse universe. What does being the most powerful women ever get you in dollhouse-verse? Not much. She fights Alpha for a few rounds and knocks him down, but apparently not even with 38 brains can a women have enough genre savvy to makes sure her opponent is down for the count before staying in the room having a conversation. Again, horrible writing just in it of itself; but again it cuts one-way makes the female look like an idiot while the male benefits. Same thing with Ballard catching the wedge why did they have to make him the big hero that saves the day that even if it wasn’t consent with his characterization as the horse? Furthermore, in the draft of the script the scene was even more “My Hero!” from what I’ve heard from those that have read it. If they really felt Echo couldn’t save herself it not like they had 2 just normally super powered women on-hand to do it instead… o wait they did. And dear God I just realized this now…one of those normally super powered women was the shows last major female character. What does that character do immanently upon waking in “Omega” she starts rubbing up against and aggressively coming on to the white knight/rapist. As I said, I just hate the show more and more every time I think of it.

However, I have even more problems with how the writers treated Echo/Caroline; although Echo Caroline was seen as being special; in Omega what is that specialness? Is it the power of her will? Is it her real self bursting through (annoying, eco-terrorist wanna-be that it maybe) through? Is it a commentary on female empowerment, on the power of the human spirit? No it is because Alpha believes she is hot it is a commentary on how men want to fuck Eliza Dushku. At least one person has argued that the show is an exploration of dark male sexual desire and that might have worked quite well until we hit “Omega”. If the show was supposed to be about destructive male desire then it clear Alpha and Ballard where supposed to parallel one another they are both suffering from the The Dulcinea Effect. Yet again Omega ruins it all if were supposed to parallel they both should have been taken down a peg not Alpha being a stereotypical villain and Ballard being elevated as a hero. Ballard’s story (and the season) should have ended with him becoming a doll after being reduced to the horse in Briar Rose that would have been perfect that would have fit the themes of the show… but no they had to write Omega. And yet it doesn’t stop there Super!Echo the most powerful women on Earth voluntary goes back so she could be mind-wiped, enslaved and then repeatedly raped. Why the hell would she (or anyone) do that! Especially after the speech she gave to herself. Ok, bad but did she just after being mind wiped give a gesture of affection (ship-tease?) to the man who did the mind-wiping to the man who just took away her agency, her freewill and will send her out to be repeatedly raped? Yes she did! *ugh*

Let’s continue way the shows treatment of gender and rape. Both the Ballard/Mille and Adelle /Victor rapist/victim ships are popular in the show fandom. The fact that people don’t seem to get that Ballard undeniable raped mille and that Adelle undeniable raped Victor frightens me; they where brainwashed they couldn’t consent or withdraw consent. It was rape. Period. You could say that is not the writers fault but in Omega they clear want us to feel sorry for Ballard (rapist) being separated from Millie (his victim). I don’t mind watching a show where one of the charterers is a repentant rapists but that the show apparently expect me to forgive him in two episodes to the point of feeling sorry for him losing the women he raped sickens me. Also might make me more sympathetic if said rapists didn’t just take a job working for Rape Incorporated.

That so many people don’t seem to understand what consent is and by extension what rape scares me. The original personality in each of these dolls is in the equivalent of insulin coma; they can’t consent it is rape period. If you think the imprints have person-hood then the fact they have a “parameters” that forces then to have sex with the “clients” means, the imprint is under the influence of a date rape drug; they can’t consent it is rape period. All the talk I’ve seen of well the imprint enjoy it (physical responses does not consent make); well it part of the imprint personality (shades of the blame victim “she was asking for it”); well she signed a contract (1. you can’t sign a contract to become a salve. 2. “Shades of prostitutes can’t be raped”); and the lovely he had to rape Mille to keep his “cover”; he had to rape Mille to live excuse (ya right, the women made the man rape her), is disturbing.

Some might say they have show rape as evil; but in context, it only helps perpetuate the same rape culture the shows supposedly feminist creator supposedly hates. The rapists that are portrayed as pure evil are caricatures (Nylon, Hearn) mustache twirling villains (let call them stranger rape); yet other rapists (Ballard, Adelle, to an extent the internet mogul) are seen as people we should emphasize with and there victim seen as enjoying it (let calls this acquaintance /domestic rape). See a problem, yet? Some may say the show is built around unfortunate implications while some are intentional unfortunate implications on the writers part the majority of what makes may angry is clearly unintentional.

I will admit some of the shit that makes me angry about dollhouse is not directly the fault of the writers per say but peoples reaction to it. Thanks to this show, we have people debating whether people on can sign a contract to become a sex slave and whether or not have sex with someone who can’t consent is rape or not. On that same note when you see reviews on line call the actives rape victims and then “whores” without missing a beat in between that is when you know your work hasn’t brought out the best in humanity. The writers may not be directly responsible, as they did not directly encourage or condone these ideas, but they are responsible to an intent because they opened a door there was no need to open.

Someone told something more or less this in response to my complaints about “omega”: what do you expect them to do scream rape is evil; why can’t they “broaden or complexify” the issues? This writers are directly reasonable for this, they created ambiguity, they wanted this. Problem is rape is evil, very, there is no complexity there is nothing to broaden. What the characters on this show do isn’t complicated they are rapists getting us to feel sympathy with the rapists because he is stressed about work (Ballard) or lonely (Adella) or mourning his wife (that internet guru in Man on the Street) crosses a line, it is making excuses, it is contributing to rape culture. Let me put it this way if someone made a show where “A Modest Proposal” wasn’t satire but a realistic solution to societies ill would that show be praised as brilliant and challenging? If we made a show where African Americans are shown as being slaves working for white masters doing manual labor (note that there no black dolls on the show), even if they thought up of some plot deceives to try and rationalize it (or as some would say “broaden or complexify” it). Would we praise it (and honor it creator for his work on race relations). No, it would be rejected by society and really with the ratings this show got it was rejected by society (1). Oh and now that I mentioned the internet mogul. Did the show just have us believe that Echo wanted to go back and be raped? I think it did (If you have not noticed by now there is a lot of rape on this show).

What is most scary about this is that the writers did to an extent get it right. The deconstruction of the White Knight complex in Blare Rose didn’t happen by chance. Yet, Omega got too many things wrong for that to be random either and that is when two phrases I understood intellectual and may have even used suddenly took on real power and meaning in my mind: institutionalized sexism and patriarchy. This is what struck me, for the first time in my life I realized how deeply ingrained misogyny, sexism, and patriarchy are in our culture. They are so deeply ingrained in the troupes that define fiction in the our idea of how a story should unfold. So ingrained that even when trying to defy conventions these “feminists” authors could only succeed in reinforcing them and to me the whiplash caused by the shift seen between “Blare Rose” and “Omega” made it far worse then a direct slap to the face would. The realization rocked me to my core.

I hate this show with a fiery passion. A passion that as I said above, made me hate myself for an extended period of time. This show is what made me temporally join the rad-fem contingent, as much as I hate to admit it this show has changed me permanently as a human being. This is why even thought I had to stop multiple times because of all the negative emotions the welled up inside of me; even thought I know writing this has put in a bad place and I’ll probably be here for another day when I write part two; even as this tempts the fury of rabid Joss Whedon fans; I had to write to this. There have been three events in the past few months that have changed the nature of how I approach life and in a rare occurrence; I can date 2 of them. Watching this trash on May 8, 2009 is one of them, the second event was what brought me fully out of that rad-fem phase (and in too a less counterproductive form of feminism) that occurred July 3 ,2009; that and what happened between the two points, and how it has all changed my outlook on life is part 2.

Other reasons Omega sucks not related to its treatment of women and rape:
The composite events where seen up until Omega as a spontaneous occurrence however in Omega the composite event was basically an industrial accident. This does not make sense the only reason Alpha was a threat was because of the skills he gained when he composited (the industrial accident). He may have experience soon serious bleed-through of his original personality but before the chair incident (where 48 personalities where downloaded simultaneously) the biggest threat he posed was causing non-fatal lacerations, big threat. This big bad composite event scenario was something that is completely under the dollhouse control the bleed through events “glitches” aren’t anything that an organization like the dollhouse should consider a threat or the NSA for that matter yet both the dollhouse and the NSA mole where scared shitless by the threat. Bleed thru could not have been a new thing for the dollhouse at the time of the chair incident either they had Tropher was running a “diagnostic” on Alpha and they were about to send him to the “Attic”; neither of these thing would have been necessary unless they have already seen dolls majorly “glitch”. If slashing whiskey was the worse, they have ever seen it was only because of the nature of his original personality you could easy prevent that too by not picking homicidal maniacs to be dolls. A look at his intake file would have sol…right those intake files you go thought the time and effort to collect but think are useless. Who runs this place? o right…*sigh*. Now if composite event can’t occur spontaneously only bleed thought the plot of “Needs” no longer makes sense as its point was to prevent the spontaneous composite events we have no evidence of being possible. The plots of the “Target” and “Grey Hour” no longer make sense, as the theory was that Alpha was trying to trigger a composite event in Echo. In Omega, however all he had to do to trigger the event was break into the dollhouse and get the necessary equipment; all Target and Grey Hour did was put the dollhouse on alert counterproductive to his goal.

Also just Alpha in “man on the street” it was speculated that the dollhouse technology would be the end of humanity as we know it. In Briar Rose Alpha was an intelligent threat, what with the batman gambit he pulled. In omega he is a stark raving mad “my Gods” yelling psychopath, uninteresting, I honestly imagined some L&O detective bursting in and saving the day, he was no longer an intimidating threat. There is a putdown Echo deliveries to Alpha that illustrates what I feel about Alpha; most people loved the one-liner me it made me roll my eyes Alpha was so insane that letting the thing speak for itself would have been a more powerful way of saying he’s crazy. Alpha should have on some level actually been transcendent he should have been the failed prototype for humanity 2.0 and that is what should have been what was scary.

Lastly Caroline’s wedge surviving; set aside the implication of Ballard catching it discussed above, it would have been more dramatically powerful if the wedge smashed to the ground. We would then have to be seriously invested in Echo’s journey; her growing self-awareness would then be the only way for her to be free, to be a real person.

(1) This is an important distinction ; as I’m fully against government censorship I will viscously defend Joss’s right to write this trash and Fox right to put the trash on the air doesn’t mean it isn’t any less a piece of trash.